eBlue (UK)

You fucks could be getting marched to your deaths, and you would still find a reason to give yourself a tug. If only that skill were of any use to the world whatsoever. Or, if not useful, being able to monetize it would be nice.

Oh, wait. You can monetize watching porn all day. That’s literally what the fuck I’m doing right now. Unfortunately, opportunities like this are few and far between. Why do you think I work so hard? Do you see how many articles I come out with? This is less of a job and more of a lifestyle.

How about breaking out of the cycle and thinking about real sex for once? I know the chances are slim as fuck, but wouldn’t you feel better at least trying? Why not throw your hat into the ring? You never know what may happen. Humans make mistakes all the time.

Perhaps a bitch will think you’re someone else, go on a date with you, trip, and accidentally land vagina first on your penis. All it takes is that single penetrative moment for you to bust a nut like a geyser in Yellowstone Park. You’ll probably launch that bitch right off your cock.

Don’t Be Yourself

Before getting too far, might I make one recommendation that will help you get pussy to ride your tiny cock: lie. Lie your fucking ass off. Nothing you say about yourself should be accurate. You’re a giant sack of shit with nothing to offer an attractive woman, but none of that matters if you make everything up.

And well, if you’re going to put the time and effort into creating a whole new personality, you should do it in the right place. There are more dating websites on the internet than humans looking for dates. It’s fucking insane, and the sad part is that so few are worth your time.

Most will try to scam you for information or lure you to streaming sites. And knowing you fucks, you’ll be more easily led astray than most. But how could you turn down the opportunity to see bitches naked on a live cam site? And once your nut is drained, you will no longer have the impetus to hunt for the real thing.

Don’t worry. I know a place that’s guaranteed to, perhaps, get you laid. Let me put it this way. If you don’t get laid, it’s not the website’s fault. It’s yours. That place is called Eblue.

Eblue is one of my favorite dating sites to frequent. The site is full of horny bitches such as performers, companions, dominatrices, models, findoms, admirers, swingers, couples, pony girls, little ones, and sissy fags like yourselves.

Eblue allows you to chat, flirt, share pics with, sell shit to, and meet sluts who want to be dicked down this instant. Eblue has members all around the world, so no matter where you reside, you’re sure to find the right bitch for you. The only question is, are you the right fag for her?

Even you have to admit that you’re not a quality guy. On Eblue, that can be battled against with quantity. They also allow you to quickly and easily create and manage multiple personality profiles from your one login.

This makes lying so much easier. You can create accounts that run the gambit of what women are attracted to. For example, you can have a jock profile where you were the high school football star that went on to play division-A college ball but got injured and had to quit. Now you don’t play, but you still have an ex-football star’s personality trappings.

Or, on the opposite end, you can be the empathetic artsy type. You spend your days brooding over paintings of garbage cans and oil slicks. You film plastic bags floating in the wind and match it with a soundtrack featuring Neutral Milk Hotel. You have no problem crying and always understand what a bitch is going through.

Perhaps a cunt needs more excitement. In that case, you can be a rock musician who spends most of his time on tour banging groupies. Your drug and partying lifestyle is enough to keep even the sluttiest of music festival-goers entertained. Of course, you would love to play her a song, but your hand is sore from playing so many shows, and your speakers just blew out while listening to your new album. Maybe next time bitch.

Eblue comes with a pallet full of features to make getting laid an easy proposition. For example, they have public chatrooms where you can get to know members from your local area or the world at large. They even have built-in high-quality video and audio connections.

You can read and create blogs about any aspect of your sexual life. That can mean telling your real-life sex experiences for others to enjoy. If only you had any sexual experiences to speak of. Once again, feel free to make up anything you like in your blog. I want to know what your rock star alter ego has been up to during the European leg of their tour.

You could write in the advice columns, but I’m unsure who you will help. Perhaps you could go anonymous and write about what it takes to build an entirely fake personality to get laid. Not many people are good at that kind of thing, and I bet you’re a budding master.

Global Pussy Positioning System

When it comes to fucking people in your immediate vicinity, Eblue couldn’t make it any simpler. You can quickly and easily find sluts near you using their global pussy positioning system. You can see pussy near you on a map and know exactly where to go.

It’s like vagina Google maps. What more could you want in life? Just click on their position, and you can be chatting with a whore down the street in seconds. You can even video chat them to see some titty pics.

I have another suggestion for you bastards. If a bitch wants you to send a dick pic, make sure it’s not your own. Your cock is tiny, frail, and sad-looking. It’s the penis of a man who has never given a bitch the ol’ in and out, in and out, and she will be able to tell from a mile away. Instead, send them a dick that’s seen some things. Nothing too big, but definitely bigger than you are in real life. Once it’s inside of her, what can she do about it?

My readers will be particularly interested in the lockers. Members can create lockers where they sell pictures and videos directly to other members. So even if you don’t get laid, at least you can spy on some eye candy.

Shockingly, Eblue doesn’t take any commission out of your sales, so any money you make is all yours. I say that shit like anyone wants to buy your nudes. Bitches would rather pay never to see you naked again. I certainly would.

Pop into the directory to get an idea of just how many cock starved whores call Eblue home. The list appears to have no end whatsoever. Down the left side of the directory is a list of countries, states, and cities. Even the smallest little shitholes have a few members.

You’ll find escorts, full-service happy ending massage therapists, phone sex operators, swingers, and good old-fashioned sluts as you scroll through them all. No matter where you are or what you’re into, you can find the perfect match for yourself on Eblue.

Pending you guys can make up a story and have some acting skills, you might just maybe get laid. I make no promises, but your chances don’t get any better than on Eblue. Members represent all forms of life, and the site does everything it can to link like-minded folks together. The key for you is to have multiple profiles advertising all types of minds, as long as they are not your own.

You’ll enjoy the selection of lockers they offer where members sell pics of themselves and the people they fuck. So if you can’t get laid, at least you can jerk off.

The only section of the site that I have any qualms with is the blog. It’s not particularly well organized. It isn’t easy to find blogs that fit the theme you are looking for.

As I said, I can’t make any promises, but if a dating site gets you laid, it will be this one. There’s no harm in giving it a shot, so make a profile today.