xHamster Bisexual

Sit your asses down, boys and girls. It’s time for Papa PornDude to mansplain to you some technicals regarding bisexual porn on the internet. But, before we do that, we have to talk about the three genders. Not the actual genders, but the genders that straight dudes on the internet identify, based on what they consume. These genders are straight, gay and trans. You’ll find these three separate categories on damn near every porn site on the web that deals in mixed content. The idea is that most people who browse the web for smut are straight dudes who only care about their own preference, hence my quip about the three genders. Dudes either want to fap to the female form, the male form or the transgender female form. There’s no in-between for some reason. Naturally, lesbian porn falls under straight porn, even though that’s quite literally gay sex. You get the idea. It’s the masturbator’s perspective that matters.

So, what does that mean for the fate of bisexual pornography? How do you define and classify it under this particularly bullshit system of male-centric gender divisions? You’d be surprised by how simple it is. Basically, on the mainstream web, bisexual porn is just gay porn. That’s all it is. It’s gay porn. If two bisexual women are having sex, that’s lesbian porn which falls under the straight category. If two men are fucking, then that’s gay. If you have an orgy of 20 people that’s still straight, but if even two penises touch at any point, we’re right back to gay. It doesn’t matter that there’s women around. It’s still gay. It would appear that male masturbators are really scared of seeing dick on dick action, lest it accidentally infect them with the gay. Yes, I know that that’s grammatically incorrect. I’m making a play here, implying that gay is a disease in the eyes of many straight males. Vibe with me here.

Let’s Get Bisexual, Baby

The qualifying conditions are very straightforward for these videos. Not just on XHamster, mind you – these are general rules that seem to apply to all bisexual porn on the web. Basically, there has to be guy on girl action and guy on guy action in the same clip, at least once. It doesn’t matter what kind of action it is, as long as it’s there. So, as you can imagine, there’s infinite potential for mixing and matching, but what matters here is that the combos have to be lined up in such a way that dudes touch dudes and dudes also touch chicks. Chick on chick action does not count as bi or as gay. That’s straight, apparently.

It's a complete bowl of nonsense, but I’m willing to look past it, because ultimately, my job is to review the smut, not analyze the deeper anthropological implications of gayness. The bottom line here is that XHamster is loaded with this crap and the potential truly does seem to be infinite. There are countless videos on here that fit the bill and they’re all decently fap-worthy, at least by my standards. I like what I’m seeing here. These videos are sure to satisfy you guys, if you’re truly in the market for mixed action.

Cucks, Sucks, Fucks and Bucks

In true mixing and matching fashion, the bisexual section on XHamster is loaded with random combinations and permutations of human bodies. The human Tetris goes wild on XHamster, for real. I’m seeing all kinds of genre overlaps here that make damn good sense when you think about it. For example, on a straight site you get cuck porn featuring a bull with a submissive wife and a pitiful husband masturbating in the corner. On XHamster’s bisexual section, you get the same people, but they’re all doing it together. The guys suck each other off, the girl sucks them off as well, they penetrate each other every which way. It’s fantastic. It’s like they’re trying to check off a list of possible genital combinations. This is the kind of shit I live for.

Granted, I don’t give a flying fuck about gay sex, since I am a pussy worshipper exclusively. But, I have to acknowledge quality dedication to smut when I see it and these people are really going wild with their bodies. I also noticed that in bisexual videos, especially here on XHamster, people are generally a lot more relaxed than I’m usually used to seeing them. I think it has something to do with sexual objectification. In straight porn, women are pretty much the only focal point of the action, so everyone’s sort of hyper focused on them. In bisexual videos, all the people are equal in a way. You could be pitching, catching, lending a helping hand or taking a break for a round and it all works just fine. No-one’s pressured by anyone else. There’s very little room for levied authority. I like this Bohemian approach to smut. It makes for really impressive and heartwarming sex scenes.

The Old and the New

Bisexual porn has been in production in one form or another for a very long time. This has led to the accumulation of a gigantic backlog of quality bisexual smut from over the years. The downside to enjoying older smut like this is that the further back you go, the smaller the resolutions get. It’s to be expected. Most smut in the 21st century was filmed on digital cameras. It’s not like they used film reels that could be upscaled down the line. Hell, even if they did that, no-one would bother to do the actual upscaling. This is expensive shit.

Instead, we’ve got giant libraries of bisexual smut available for modern enjoyment, coming in from countless sources around the world. Most of the smut is western, but there is a fair bit of miscellaneous, ethnic porn out there as well. Either way, the libraries don’t need padding. XHamster is a testament to people’s timeless devotion to bisexual smut. You can clearly see that the standards were established a very long fucking time ago. There’s little contextual difference between old bisexual smut and the new stuff that’s coming out today. I think that you’ll enjoy most if not all of the bisexual content on XHamster as long as you’re in the mood for some cross combined pussies and cocks.

This Place is Endless

XHamster shamelessly shows the exact number of available pages of content when you arrive on the bisexual section and for me, currently, that number is larger than a thousand. I.e., you’re looking at more than half a million unique clips, if I did my math right and almost all of them fit the bisexual bill perfectly. Either way, it’s all smut that you can enjoy. None of this shit is padding. And, none of it is purely dude on dude gay action. There’s always at least a hint of female sexuality as well, otherwise it would float out of the section entirely.

I am seeing a few disjointed videos here and there that don’t seem to belong and these are mostly solo performance videos of men and women. The women are more common. I’m betting these are just random camwhores who usually do straight porn, mostly featuring themselves. Now, if you want to be technical about it, this smut belongs on XHamster’s bisexual section by virtue of damn near every kind of sex being technically bisexual. This is the problem with the category. The solution seems to be to narrow in on videos that feature at least one girl and at least two guys, but it’s a patchwork solution at best.

Your Mileage Will Vary

Look, it’s bisexual porn. XHamster have done a fantastic job at casting a wide net and they’re giving you all this smut for free, but that means that you can’t know what to expect. This is one of most painful categories to sort and categorize, on account of how fucking wide it is. It fits damn near every kind of smut. There are some general expectations from the public and through them I’m sure you’ll find something to enjoy, but the bottom line is, this place is an unsorted dumping ground of content.

My recommendation? Try it. Try fapping to it. Don’t gripe too much about whether you’re seeing chicks or dudes and how they’re combining. Just let loose and try to fap half-blindly, so to speak. Just keep tugging. If you blow a load, great. If not, move on.