Eporner Bondage

A naptime story - once upon a time, there was a dude who wanted to make a shit ton of money. He was a talented writer with good taste in porn, but he was struggling to finally break free. That is when the dude started writing reviews. He thought that writing one review per website would do. Soon enough, his devoted fans wanted more, growing dependent on his reviews, asking for more than one. That is when it dawned on him, "I can write dozens of reviews on one website, focus on each category, explain the things that these fuckers could figure out on their own, and conquer the world!" Asleep yet? No?! Ok! Wank off to eporner.com/cat/bondage/ first. It should help!

What the hell is this review about?

It's about Eporner.com! Better said, it is about eporner.com/cat/bondage/, one of the categories on Eporner. In case you have just crawled out from under a rock, and don't have a fucking idea about Eporner, let me shed some light on it. It will be quick, I promise. The website was launched in 2008, gained an army of devoted fans since then, got people hooked on HD porn, and created one hell of a website. All of this is fucking dandy, but that's not the point of this review. I want to focus on the sweet bondage stash eporner.com/cat/bondage/.

Light theme, dark theme? The dark is better. Upload video, download video, anything goes. Asian sluts, blonde hoes, it's there. Should I cut the crap and let you wank off already? No, fuckers! How are you gonna filter the content, find the videos, download them, share them, without my help? Again, you need me, as much as a horny bondage enthusiast needs eporner.com/cat/bondage/. 

God's most perfect smut creation

What? You frown upon me putting god and smut in one sentence? You think that getting a boner from bondage scenes is pure and angelic, and I am the pervy one? Don't make me write my version of the Adam and Eve story! Was that really a snake or another snake-like object that tricked little Eve into a sinful ordeal? I think I've had too much crack tonight! 

Eporner.com/cat/bondage/ is probably one of the most perfect tube websites I have ever seen. You know, tube joints don't give a fuck about design, thumbnails, or categories. They just put content in a senseless jumble of smut and call it a day. Eporner.com/cat/bondage/ looks as good as a premium website, with one significant difference. All content is 100% free! 

Don't settle for mediocre shit!

Yeah, don't! Eporner.com/cat/bondage/ seriously raises the bar for tube websites. Let me start by pointing out that the thumbnails look divine and that they show a short video preview. I am sick and tired of still thumbnails that have somehow become a standard for tube joints! 

Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or is it crack again? One of the latest uploads is an Asian bondage movie that lasts for freaking 8 hours?! Remember the standards I was telling you about? Well, eporner.com/cat/bondage/ doesn't think that visitors should be given trailers or half-ass videos. Eporner.com/cat/bondage/ feels that its visitors deserve full-length movies, and that is another thing that sets eporner.com/cat/bondage/ apart from a sea of other similar tube websites. Worthy of an applause!

While I was checking that Asian porn out, I focused on the player. I had to wait a couple of seconds to skip an ad, but other than that, everything worked perfectly smooth. The player allowed me to choose the video resolution, offering 240p, 360p, 480p, and 720p HD. The Scenes section below the player opens a list of thumbnails that can be used to skip the video to a certain point if you know what I mean. The share and comment options wanted me to sign-up (I will come to that part), and the download button opened up a list of links, including info about the video quality. To test the waters, I chose 720p, and the downloading started right away. Superb!

I am still bullshitting about the player

Not about the player, but about the things around it. Above the player, I saw a bunch of tags that were clickable. You shitheads probably know how the search by tag stuff works. I also got to see the username of the person who uploaded the clip and the name of the pornstar. Now, the comments, share and add to favorites options. Well, to unlock these perks, you have to sign-up to eporner.com/cat/bondage/. The registration is free and comes with a set of cool options like leaving comments, infiltrating a community of like-minded people, and uploading your stuff.

This is not the time or place to speak about the upload your content option, but I need to say that websites that offers this to its members often boast incredible diversity and a phenomenal update schedule. Now is the time to tell you a little something about the size of the collection on eporner.com/cat/bondage/. Do 98K videos sound promising! This is the number of bondage content only! Eporner is teeming with other videos and other categories, but I will write about all of these some other time. 

Here comes the fun part

I have finally busted a nut to that super-long Asian porn, and now I am ready to come back to eporner.com/cat/bondage/ homepage. The Sort by Most Recent option is the default one, and it might be the best place to start. Abella Danger, Scarlett Wild, Sofi Ryan, and Jillian Janson are the chicks that caught my eye instantly. Jillian's video comes from Teen Creeper, and it's an 4K ultra HD clip. Most of the videos here are 1080p, but for some reason, even the 480p ones looked fine. I did see a couple of amateur flicks here and there, but the number of professional scenes far exceeded the number of amateur ones.

The Top Weekly stash proved to me that I was not the only one who thought that 480p videos were hot. One of the most popular videos of the last week was an hour-long clip where a chick spins a wheel of pain and then endures her punishment. Have you idiots already figured out that all of these scenes are role-play and that none of the sex scenes are involuntary or illegal in any way? Whew, that's good to know!

One of the Monthly Top videos was 240p, pretty grainy, but the major turn-on is the real feel it has because it features an anonymous blonde who gets "raped" by two studs. Obviously, people don't care much about the video quality, as long as the scenario is good, which is something I can relate to. 

Another thing I noticed is that the majority of top-rated movies were Asian. Was it because of the crazy length or the Asian chicks' talent for portraying poor sluts? All I know is that no other woman can fake a rape scene as good as an Asian one! The longest video stash is jam-packed with Asian smut, which is definitely something I have expected.

Hold on, it's almost over

I know that by this time, you are freaking out, your cock is ready to shoot some goo, and you wish me to shut the hell up! Hey, now, easy! Where would you be if it wasn't for me to present eporner.com/cat/bondage/ in such a magnificent way! Let me end this review properly! Eporner.com/cat/bondage/ is insane! I knew that Eporner would never disappoint and started this review with some high expectations. I am sure you are gonna like this place as much as I do! What's not to like? Everything is free, nicely sectioned out, hot and crisp. No reasons to complain whatsoever!

Yeah, you've read the tale, and you are about to close this mothafucking review and go about your pervy business. I don't mind, but before you go, let me tell you that fresh smut keeps coming to eporner.com/cat/bondage/ as we speak. Why not give something back to eporner.com/cat/bondage/ by uploading your content? Who knows, maybe you'll become a star or finally meet a girl who will let you try these bondage games in real life. Ha? Your happily ever after! C'mon now, don't be a lazy fucker! The least you can do for eporner.com/cat/bondage/ is to become a member!