AlohaTube JOI

Ask any man what his least favorite sound in the world is and he’ll tell you – a woman complaining. If you haven’t lived with a woman yet, you might be a stranger to this phenomenon, but any of my boys in the audience who’ve had to be in the same room as a woman for longer than it takes to fuck them should know this already: Women love to complain. They also love telling men what to do. Or hell, maybe they hate it, but they feel it’s something they must do. Maybe it’s evolutionary. They’re always barking orders at me. I try not to listen, but the sound is damn piercing. Either way, one thing I know for sure is that any sensible man out there would hate to be told what to do by a woman, unless…well, unless it’s sex related, of course. And I’m not talking about those moments when they say “go deeper” but you’ve run out of rope four inches ago. Oh no, I’m talking about jerk off instructions.

What are they? Why are they fun as fuck? Why is every modern porn site saturated with them to hell and back? We’re about to get into that. Today, we’re looking at AlohaTube’s JOI section and we’re going to comb through it with great care and attention. This place is loaded with smut and as this is in fact AlohaTube, all the thumbnails are fucking huge. So, I’m going to take a long step back, then dive into this content and enjoy the near endless supply of JOI content that they’ve got on offer here. I’ve tried a lot of JOI before, so I have a lot of references to compare this smut to. Let’s hope that it holds up, shall we.

Remote Handjob, Basically

When a woman is in front of you, there’s a lot she can do to your cock in order to inspire you to blow your load. The mainstay is of course the blowjob followed by some vaginal penetration. Men love it when women bounce on their cocks. I don’t have to tell you that. I’ll do it anyway because it’s my job. The truly devoted bitches will often offer up their assholes too, but I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Today, we’re considering what a woman can do for you when she’s very much not in front of you. Hell, how can a woman satisfy you if she’s in another zip code? That’s the question. Well, she can get naked, that’s a start. Beyond that she can touch herself and make all kinds of arousing noises to get you going. But, if you want to feel interactivity, especially from a video, the only way to pull that off is with instructions and what better instructions than jerk off instructions?

The concept is piss simple. Sexy babes do their shit on camera, with all kinds of original plays and setups, but they focus their attention on the lens, pretending that they’re tending to you, the viewer. They order you to play with your cock, then they direct you, down to each stroke. They tell you when to push, when to pull, when to bop it twist it and whatever the fuck else they used to have on that dreaded 90s toy. You know the one. Hell, you could use that to fap. I think it was just called “Bop It”. I’m not sure. Anyways, babes will tell you how to bop your cock. It’s sexy. It feels like there’s a direct connection between the two of you. It’s nothing like getting a handjob, but it’s very much reminiscent of that type of connection. She is in charge of your cock and that is what makes you hard as a brick.

AlohaTube Goes Hard in the JOI

You should already know AlohaTube from their other fetishism hits. They cover all of their bases. They pretty much feature smut across all known genres of porn. You also don’t have to be particularly astute to notice that this is not a porn tube – it’s an aggregate site for free porn tubes. You get sent elsewhere to fap, but the thumbnails are real. What you see is indeed what you get. What I’m currently seeing is a lot of strange misdirection. I don’t know why but lately it’s been hard for these kinds of aggregation tubes to stay on subject. I think they’re getting tag bombed. You know, people are making porn that isn’t JOI, but they tag it as JOI because they don’t give a flying fuck about the quality of your fap.

We’ll just look past that for now and focus on the smut that actually matters. It’s here in droves. You don’t have to hop a page to find it. Speaking of pages, on the very first one I saw not one but two Tara Tainton videos. If you remember her you’re probably 50. She’s almost 50 herself. She was amazing in her prime and she’s amazing now. And, she doesn’t look a day over 35. What an absolutely perfect woman. On the second page I’m seeing Mistress T videos. She too is known for her MILF videos, though she specializes in a bit of a dommy mommy kink.

Either way, seeing these kinds of quality bitches tells me that this place is a great place to fap. Bitches that are known for being a dominatrix are perfect for JOI. You don’t want some random shy 18-year-old just barely whispering the instructions in your ear. You want a goddamn strong woman telling you how to stroke it, damn it. Stroking is serious business and by golly I’m going to have my woman shout her orders out loud like we’re at the western front and she’s my commanding officer. I have a cock and I must fap. Tell me exactly how to do it, Mistress! Let’s fucking go!

Mixing and Matching

This place features more independent porn creators than professional smut, that is, if you only count the actual JOI videos. Like I said, we’ll just overlook the miscellaneous crap that doesn’t belong here. It’ll just bog down the review. So, these independent babes, what are they up to? Well, they make original JOI content, all centered around the same premise, but they keep trying to innovate so that their videos stick out. They want to make something unique and timeless, lest they get buried under a mountain of repetitive smut. They want to innovate on the same preexisting genre. Their answer to this is to mix the JOI with other fetishes as well as random themes and scenarios.

For example, you could watch a regular JOI video that features a girl who just happens to be a clown. Why? Who cares? It’s a JOI video, true and proper, it just features a clown girl instead of a human girl. Wait, are clowns human? No, I’m sure they count as a separate species. Anyways, that’s the extent of random depravity you can expect to see here. Some of the babes act like they’re your step-sisters, others stand over the camera so you can get an upskirt view of the goods and so on. You get the picture. They give you innovative scenarios so that you’re not watching the same JOI twice. My favorite JOI of all time features two blonde sisters, one of whom just happens to be pregnant. They’re half naked and they keep saying naughty things. I love that shit. I don’t know why. Look it up, it’s pretty easy to find.

CEI Videos Exist

Let’s get disgusting for a moment. Do you want to get disgusting with me for a moment? For reasons that are far too complex and intricate for my small brain to comprehend, the JOI fetish has an adjoined CEI fetish which is equally as popular. It stands for cum eating instructions. Basically, the girls on screen instruct you on how to eat your own cum, after you’ve blown your load. They plan it too. They guide you through the fapping experience, slowly, with a lot of attention, care and sensual wordplay. They make sure that they’re dressed for the occasion too, so you’re not just fapping to their faces.

I personally think that this is the worst possible idea, not only because it’s kind of gay, but also because cum belongs either in or on women. Hell, even if you are gay, scoop up the cum and ship it to some woman out there. She’ll appreciate it. Or at the very least blow your load in a tissue or something. Then again, most of the people that browse this site are depraved out of their fucking minds, so if you’re down to eat your own cum, who the fuck am I to stop you?