JOI Maker

As a whole, you guys are pretty retarded. I don’t think any of my readers are medal of honor holders, Nobel prize laureates, or Pulitzer prize winners. You guys have never had a New York Times best-seller, and you don't even know what an Ivy League school is. None of you are heroes, Nobody has saved a life, and even the Gods look down upon you as a mistake of creation.

Eat, Sleep, Breath

There are only a few things you guys are good at. For example, you can order a killer pizza for delivery. The way you clearly pronounce "Pepperoni, peppers, and mushrooms" is on point. Many people would flub the transfer from "pepperoni" to "pepper," but not you. You've done it a million times.

You're also a solid napper. You can fit in three half-hour naps into a six-hour period. Most people would have too much energy for that third nap, but you push the limits of what is humanly possible. When other men give up and decide to do something poignant with their lives, you say, "Nay! I shall crawl back into bed and dream of a better life instead."

I also have to give you credit for your breathing skills. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. It's enough to drive the autonomic nervous systems of lesser men crazy, but yours is too developed to flounder such a fundamental skill. You can breathe under the direst of circumstances. Remember that time you almost choked on your crunch wrap supreme? It could have spelled death, but here you are, pushing forward when most men would retreat.

The moral of the story is that when it comes to bodily processes that you must perform to stay alive, you have them mastered. You cross your T's and dot your I's. However, when it comes to almost anything else, you fucking suck. 

You're even shit at the stuff you do every fucking day. Take video games, for example. How long have you been playing the latest God of War? It's been out for years now, and you still haven't beaten it. Have you ever met the world snake yet? Fucking hell.

I've seen you play Call of Duty on streaming before. If I had a dime for every time a ten-year-old kid called your mom a fag after tea bagging your bullet-riddled corpse, I'd be retired by now.

You're not even good at masturbating. That's why you come to me for the latest news on all of the best porn sites on the internet. You would never be able to find all of this shit on your own. You'd be left to fend for yourself against an onslaught of fuzzy and poorly produced pretend porn.

But it gets worse. I don't think you even know how to stroke your penis. At least not to the fullest of your ability. You're always going too fast or too slow. You never give your penis room to breathe and enjoy the moment. 

That's alright, though. Once again, I'm here to save the day and make your life just a little better. It's hard enough keeping track of your hand while you're beating off, so why not let someone else handle your jerk-off instructions?

Where might you find this person? Try Joimaker. As you probably didn't guess, "JOI" stands for "Jerk Off Instructions." The ladies here not only show you their sexy bodies, but they also tell you exactly how to stroke your man meat while you watch. 

The site is simple, sweet, and content-focused. There isn't a large menu to get lost in or complicated filters to manage. Instead, it's just you and a sea of jerk of instruction videos. 

There is a small main menu at the top of the site with the options Jerk off instruction shows, Create jerk off instructions from Imgur, Contact, and Log in. 

Be Your Own Beat Boss

Anyone can create personalized jerk-off instructions on Joi Maker. That's where the site got its name. Imgur is the image hosting service for Reddit and also its own meme app. If it's on Reddit, you can make it part of your show.

I don't expect many of my readers to have the chops to figure out how to create a show, but Joi Maker makes it as easy as it could be. If you can copy and paste, you should be able to figure this shit out. However, the keyword there is "should."

You can create an account on Joi Maker, but it is not required to make use of the service. However, it will give you access to certain convenience features. Joi Maker is actually still in development. What's up now is a beta version, so expect regular updates and additions to the convenience features.

Below the main menu are two rows of thumbnails representing the most recent content to be added to Joi Maker. Because anyone can create new shows at any time, there is a steady stream of new videos being added at all times. 

Below the new content are several rows of the most popular shows on Joi Maker. As you'll see, much of the most popular shit here is celebrity-focused. Who doesn't want to receive jerk off instructions from the sexiest movie and pop stars the world has to offer?

Well, I don't. But that's only because I've fucked a lot of these celebs in real life. If I want to jerk off to them, I'll just close my eyes and access my memories. Let me tell you. You haven't lived until you've titty fucked Kate Upton. I'm pretty sure it added years to my life.

The JOI of CBT

On that note, let's dive into some of the superb content on Joi Maker, starting with "Cum for Katie Sigmond (Edging, Cock and ball torture, Palming, and POT.) It's a forty-two-minute show and currently has over six thousand views.

Before starting, read the instructions first. You can change the voice that instructions are being read in the options menu. If you want to scrub around the video, you can use the arrow buttons. 

For this video, you will need some simple supplies. Katie recommends you grab lube, something to tie your balls up with, and a ruler. Now it's time to get started.

Katie knows you jerk off to her every day, and she is glad to finally participate in the process. First, she reiterates that you better not cum until she tells you that you can. Once you have that through your head, strip down and prepare for a good time.

Start off by presenting her your hard cock and slowly stroking it fifty times. While you do that, you'll be looking at incredible pictures of Katie's ass. Excellent job. It appears that you have impressed her with your skills. Now she demands fifty medium strokes.

Remember not to cum. I know you guys struggle with that. If you are still with Katie, she needs another thirty slow strokes from you. Now it's time to make things a little more difficult. She wants you to give yourself one hundred medium strokes while only looking Katie in the eyes. If you fuck up and look elsewhere, you have to slap your balls hard twenty-five times. I don't know about you, but I would be sure not to look away. I'm not a fan of slapping my own god damn balls.

Just when you think it's over, she requests another hundred strokes under the same circumstances. At this point, Katie takes a moment to notice that you almost came. To give you a break, she tells you to tie up your cock and balls and watch your dick twitch for one minute. That should give you time to cool off a bit.

Hopefully, you have some control again because you're about to stroke your cock fifty times fast and then slap your balls with the ruler twenty-five times. At this point, Katie knows you must be near cumming again, so she instructs you to medium stroke until you're edging and then flick your dick tip ten times. Don't forget to make it sting like a son of a bitch.

I don't want to ruin the surprise ending for you, so I'll let you finish the video yourself. But, I'll leave you with this tip. Don't wipe away your pre-cum. You'll need it for later in the video.

Listening to jerk off instructions is the closest you will ever get to fucking some of your favorite celebs. Plus, it helps my less advantaged readers maintain the brain space required for moving their arms in a jerk motion.

The site is still in beta, so there are several things the place could improve upon. For example, the look is a bit drab, the voice options are limited, and there is no rating system. 

Regardless, Joi Maker is a fantastic site, and it's only getting better by the day.