Sperm Hospital

Not all porn sites are created equal. Some of them look like absolute dogshit. I know I’ve started more than a dozen reviews with that same sentence, but fuck me, it’s funny. At least, I find it funny. SpermHospital has inspired me to channel my inner Karen and complain about everything that I don’t like until my fingers bleed. I am livid and I need to speak to your manager. I have a complaint to file. My cock is only half as hard as it should be and I blame SpermHospital.

This is a painfully Czech site. You’re probably too young to remember this, but before CzechAV established their country as one of the greatest porn production destinations worldwide, Eastern European porn was more or less synonymous with ugly women. This has nothing to do with ethnic appearances, mind you. It was a matter of economic trends. Young hot Eastern European babes didn’t really feel the painful grip of capitalism pressuring them into whoring themselves out on camera for pocket money. It was a different time. There were economic remnants from the Soviet and Yugoslav days. Bitches were used to having money readily available for little to no work. When capitalism spread across that area like the plague that it is, sexy bitches slowly became more and more encouraged to strip on camera.

<h3>This Czech Porn is Still Crappy</h3>

Anyways, enough political history. I’m trying to make a brief point here. SpermHospital appeals to retro fans of Czech porn with a truly disappointing roster of some of the ugliest women on that side of the Atlantic Ocean. These women are one big “bruh moment”. Take a deep breath, look at the women on this site, then breathe out in exasperation. These women all look like the kind of women that you avoid banging in lieu of high-quality pornography. Imagine going out of your way to pay to fap to smut that features women that you would normally go out of your way to avoid touching. That’s what SpermHospital is all about.

I’ll play nice and address the site’s main theme, don’t you worry. It’s a sperm extraction site, complete with nurse play and some decent acting performances. Don’t expect anything Oscar-worthy. The acting is good only in comparison to other porn that I’ve seen. It’s sufficient to get you excited and immersed, but you’re not going to believe for a second that anyone here is extracting or depositing sperm for any productive means. This sperm is getting wasted. That is, in medical terms. Porn-wise, the sperm ends up exactly where it’s supposed to – across the women’s faces and tits.

<h3>Possibly Real Nurses</h3>

These women might actually be real nurses. They look like real nurses. They’re ugly, awkward, mildly overweight, with large and usually saggy breasts. I think that the girls’ overall appearance is what sells the fetish play. Their acting is inconsequential, as long as they suck cock and look like real nurses. It’s that simple. The other main reason why I feel these women are well suited to be nurses is because they definitely don’t look like they could be pornstars. They look like the kind of generic women you see in actual hospitals. I don’t honestly know why the lineup is this poor.

There’s a MILF Doctors button on the top of SpermHospital and it shows you the entire roster of bitches all in one place, with profile images and their names. If you click on any of them you get taken to their respective videos. You get the idea. Here, you can also see their ages and immediately understand the second common thread. This is a sperm extraction site that only hires MILFs. This is problematic. There are hot Slavic MILFs out there. I know this. I’ve fucked quite a few. The problem is, these are barely B-tier whores and when you tack on the old age, you have the perfect recipe for a shitty experience. Look, it's not like my standards are so fucking high that I can’t masturbate to porn featuring older women. I’m not that kind of porn fascist or whatever. I can fap to just about any kind of chick as long as she’s not super fat.

<h3>Painfully Underwhelming</h3>

The problem with the content on SpermHospital lies in how clearly cheap these bitches are. They look like they were picked up from the local old folks’ home during bingo night. They’re that fucking disappointing. I tried scraping through the roster to find a bitch that I personally might actually want to fuck and I manage to find a grand total of two. One of them was in her 40s and looked kind of passable. The other was 38 and straight up had it going on. She didn’t look a day over 32. She was this amazing redhead with perfect perky tits and a very fuckable face. She gave me bedroom eyes. Well, she gave the camera bedroom eyes. You get it. Her name was Vica, by the way, if you want to check her out. Her smut is still on here and she’s damn kinky. It’s a shame she only has one video, though.

As a standard porn site, SpermHospital is rather subpar, unless you’re here for the dudes. The dudes are kind of good looking, I suppose. As a fetish site, though, SpermHospital is pretty dang impressive. Let’s just remember for a moment that fetish sites that specialize in kinks that focus on the male body are different from other websites. Namely, these kinds of fetishes usually include women as a function, rather than an object of sexual arousal. Sure, you’re still fapping to the chick, but it’s the shit she does to the guy that gets you aroused. Or at least, that’s how I understand this shit. With SpermHospital you’re looking at cock milking as a fetish. The cum extraction is the whole point. Therefore, the babes don’t necessarily have to be hot. They just have to be committed.

<h3>Extreme Cum Extraction</h3>

When you look at the site through that particular lens of expectation, it starts looking a lot better. The babes might be ugly MILFs, but they’re committed ugly MILFs. They work really hard to get the cum out of the cock and they play with it with extreme gusto. You can tell that they’re excited and they really love their jobs. I’m not just talking about their jobs in terms of the porn they’re recording. I mean, the fake jobs that they’re pretending they have. That’s why I think that some of these women may have actually been nurses at some point in time. They’re damn devoted to the male body in a very sensitive and attentive way.

Did I mention that beyond the standard handjobs and sucking, these babes also put their fingers inside the dudes’ asses? Oh yes. They properly finger the prostates to milk the cum out of there. They must be really thirsty for the cum to work this hard for it. I’m damn impressed, I gotta say. The dudes clearly enjoy the action as well. The girls go about the anal penetration really softly. It’s all very loving, but in a professional way. They also make sure to properly thank the balls by fondling them gently and putting them in their mouths. This whole damn website is hot as fuck, with the exception of the actual fucking babes. Hell, I’d rather rewatch that one Vica video than check out any of these other clips. It’s that fucking strange.

<h3>I Don’t Like It, But You Might</h3>

Then again, <strong>there are fucks among you who get off on the idea of being molested by a realistic looking ugly nurse, so maybe SpermHospital can double as both a cum extraction site and an ugly nurse site</strong>. Two fetishes in one, let’s go. Look, the bottom line remains the same regardless. You have to check out this content for yourself and make the call. If you like this smut, then it’s the right choice for you. If you don’t, then you can’t be judged for it.

Where it all falls apart is the membership section where you discover that they want $25 for a monthly subscription. They dial it down to $20 a month if you pay for three months in advance and $15 a month if you pay for six. So, the discount is definitely there, but my God, why are they charging this much for a dedicated ugly-bitch website? It’s outrageous. You could easily just buy a hammer with this money and use it to smash your cock into tiny bits. I’m sure it’ll hurt less than masturbating to videos of a 50-year-old fat woman extracting cum out of a young man’s penis. To each his own. If you like SpermHospital, then more power to you, my friend.