Black Patrol

Fuck The Police! I’m sorry. I had to make that joke. It was too obvious. I sincerely doubt that this is what N.W.A had in mind when they wrote Fuck the Police, but here we are. America is experiencing a cataclysmic crisis with police brutality and race relations, but the world of porn is here to make love, not war. I wish we could solve all of our problems this way. In short, BlackPatrol is an innovative porn site that features countless videos in which black men with huge cocks fuck the ever-loving shit out of white female police officers. I genuinely can’t decide whether this is genius marketing or an extremely offensive reference to serious issues. Bottom line – it’s not my place to decide. I have zero authority over what people decide to fap to. I’m just here to review the smut and boy am I going to review the shit out of this site.

BlackPatrol is a quality premium site, plain and simple. They do the work. They didn’t dump all of their money into marketing. The pornstars were clearly well compensated for their work. I’m just guessing this is the case because the smut is so damn fap-worthy. This is what I have in mind when I hear premium porn. From what I can tell, this smut was made in Miami, so a bit further east than I’m used to. That’s probably why there aren’t any recognizable faces in these videos. That being said, there are always going to be hot babes willing to suck cocks. You just have to find them and pay them the big bucks. These girls are hot, these dudes are hung and this smut is worth paying for. I could just end the review right there, but as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I like to ramble on. Let the rambling commence!

A Likely Story

These clips play out a lot like many of my daydreams. Have you ever been pulled over by a hot babe cop and imagined what it would be like if the whole scenario turned 18+? I have. Every single time I see a hot officer chick I like to imagine what it would be like if she dominated me by sucking me off. What’s that? Sucking me off isn’t domineering, it’s submissive? Shut the fuck up. She’s the one with the fucking badge. I’m just an innocent civilian minding his own business. If she wants to suck me off, well, she’s the law. I’m not going to say no to that. She’s the one wearing the uniform. If she wants to displace her shirt so that her giant tits hang out while I fuck her from behind, that’s her decision. I have to comply. She’s just trying to uphold the peace. To that end I shall provide the strongest boner I have in my arsenal. Anything for our officers of the law, am I right?

Most of the videos on BlackPatrol play out exactly like this. You’ve got a female cop who is way too hot to be working in law enforcement. She meets some random black dudes in public and gives them a bit of a scare with her authority. They find her hot, she finds them arousing, one thing leads to another and before you know it, they’re fucking each other’s brains out. It needs to be said that throughout most of these videos there are multiple cops or multiple dudes, making this a group fucking site. There’s a serious lack of one-on-one porn here and I don’t honestly miss it that much. I’d rather see two chicks than one, any day. As for the double penetration with two dudes on one girl, well, it works well too. I just wish I didn’t have to see so much of the dudes within the shot. I prefer my porn zoomed in on the babe. Then again, if a bitch is sandwiched between two dudes, it’s hard to keep both of them out of the shot. You know what I’m saying?

Taking the Fantasy All the Way

BlackPatrol makes great efforts to keep you immersed in the story, even though the actual acting leaves a lot to be desired. They let the set design do most of the work. They mostly film in public, though I’m guessing they find secluded spaces where they won’t be caught by actual police officers. Now that would be hilarious. Imagine being a cop and seeing two female cops sucking off some random dude in a parking lot. Do you arrest them? Do you tag in and join them? Who knows?

Anyways, the set designs are spectacular. The videos usually start off in public, but you’ve got some quality mixing and matching with appropriate environments like interrogation rooms and crime-ridden warehouses. The cop costumes are also really realistic. Well, they’re as realistic as they’re allowed to be at least. I’m sure these babes don’t want to get charged with impersonating an officer of the law and all that. Still, the costumes go a long way. The dudes on the other hand mostly look like generic thugs from a video game. If they’re not wearing wife beaters, they’re wearing black t-shirts. If I gave more of a shit about class inequality, I’d point out how this seems to be some sort of analogy for how the rich get to fuck the poor any way they want. But alas, I am a porn reviewer. All I see here are cocks and pussies.

Super-Hot Babes

The chick cops in BlackPatrol’s videos have a certain “it factor” I’m a real sucker for. I’ll explain. Basically, they’re extremely hot chicks who don’t look like pornstars. Instead, they have a more conventional body type, while still being fuckable pieces of meat. They look like what a real hot police officer would look like in the real world. They’re fit and they have huge tits and asses, but they’re not anorexic skeletons. They’ve got some proper meat on their bones, but only in the right places. They’re curvy and busty, but not skinny. This appeals to my inner thirst for substantive pussy. These are the kind of girls that you’d sprain your back trying to lift, but bending them over is always going to be a fucking privilege.

Fuck me if I sound gay for saying this, but I also really love these girls’ styles, as in, their fashion choices. I know, I sound like I’ve lost my mind, but bear with me. The girls all have long hair that they carry in professional-looking ponytails. They have makeup on but it’s the kind of professional makeup that you’d expect to see on a serious business woman or in this case a serious officer of the law. This makes the scenes all the more believable and it elevates the smut into a sort of BDSM play where the cops are the mommies and the random dudes are innocent bystanders who are gently pushed into submissive situations. This site isn’t marketed as a BDSM porn den, but it works as one just fine. The babes are constantly in control. I mean, just look at the previews. In all of these images you see the chicks sporting a serious mommy face, even though they’re barely 30 years old. The babes don’t allow the cocks, they demand the cocks. This shit never fails to get me hard.

Worth Every Penny

All right, let’s cut the standard rigmarole short. There are four different subscription options. One day, one week, one month and one year. They cost $1, $5, $25 and $120 respectively. Don’t you just love it when I keep it short and sweet? As per usual, I recommend the first tier and the last tier. The first, because it lets you check out all of this content for nearly no money at all and the last because it nets you the largest discount. I’d check out the smut for a day then come back for a long-term subscription if I was satisfied. That’s what I think you should do. In my mind, monthly subscriptions are a scam. That has nothing to do with BlackPatrol; I’m just obsessed with min-maxing.

Unfortunately, BlackPatrol don’t allow you to jump past the first page of videos without signing in, which means you’d have to subscribe and pay first. I don’t like this. I wish we could see exactly how big their library is in advance, but alas, this is not in the cards. This is exactly why I recommend the shortest subscription first. Know exactly what you’re getting into beforehand. That being said, from what I’ve seen, they’re pricing their content perfectly. $120 for a year of quality unique content is a perfect bargain in my book. I just hope they upload new smut regularly to justify the subscription.