FemFlood

Fem Flood is apparently a mega famous and super old female ejaculation website that used to be the home of Lori Rivers, of all people. If you don’t know who that is, don’t worry – it’s not on you. She was a squirting queen, way back in old year 2000. She hasn’t done any porn in almost two decades as far as I know. This was my first indication that something’s wrong with FemFlood. Then, I went through the content tour to see what they’re offering and boy was I painfully let down. The disappointment never stops with FemFlood.

They boast about having been active for so many years, but there’s a terrible catch hidden in plain view – they haven’t been active since the 90s, they’ve been selling the same smut since the 90s. There are no new videos on here, as far as I can tell. And, what they do have from back in the day has gotten really stale. The action’s perfectly fine. The babes do indeed squirt and all that. My problem with this smut has more to do with the late 90s and early 2000s zeitgeist – namely, camcorders.

Seems Kind of Worthless

Most of the smut on FemFlood seems to have been filmed with ancient camcorders or if they somehow used film for these recordings, which I doubt, then said film has been lost to time. Any chance of a remaster has gone out the window. There is no hope for these videos. They’re blurry, low resolution and generally too retro for their own good and that’s exactly how they’ll stay. Now, aren’t you excited for the opportunity to pay for them? What? You don’t want to fork over the dough for low resolution porn videos that came out before you were born?

I leave the pricing discussion for the end of my reviews, but suffice it to say, this place is too expensive. Hell, I’d argue that any amount of money for this smut is a gouge, but what they’re currently charging is straight up outrageous. This place is more expensive than Brazzers. Brazzers! Assuming you’re not the kind of whacked out rich person who signs up to every porn site he sees, you have a choice between this place and fucking Brazzers. It’s an obvious choice, no?

Dedicated to Generic Squirts

You could argue that sites like Brazzers don’t have a ton of squirt porn, whereas FemFlood is made up entirely of squirt porn clips. Eh. It’s a weak-ass argument. First of all, no long-form video is going to have squirting through and through, especially if there’s only one girl in it. Secondly, if you’re going to have a site that’s centered around one fetish, you might as well do something to stick out. You know, stand ahead of the fold and push the envelope in some way.

Instead, FemFlood is just … generic. That’s the way porn was back in the early 2000s. We didn’t have that many squirting websites back then, nor did we have countless videos on backlog. Porn has always been a big deal, but you can’t compare the quantity of smut that we have now to the kind of shit we were fapping to back then. There was once a time when FemFlood’s content was considered top of the line squirt smut. Not today. Sorry, but this content is way past due and I don’t think there’s any redeeming factor to the quality of the clips you can check out on FemFlood today.

It Belongs in a Museum

The only thing keeping this site afloat is boner nostalgia. It’s the same driving force that has people fapping to retro porn from the 70s. We’re so far in the future that the early 2000s are now officially hardcore retro. You can smell the mold on these videos. They’ve been in someone’s fap drawer for a long time. As retro clips, these videos are pretty damn good. They certainly feel nostalgic. Plus, you can tell that they were recorded in a day and age when the naked female form was more than enough to justify the existence of a porn video. We used to gawk at naked ladies when we were young, a lot more than we do today. Times have changed. The average babe’s Instagram profile has more quality smut these days compared to what you could see across a single Playboy issue back in the early 2000s.

FemFlood would be doing a great job at being a squirt porn museum, if they aligned that marketing to match. Instead, they’re straight up competing against modern squirting porn sites, which makes no sense to me. They know they’ll lose. They’re old timers in the ring with the new and significantly stronger competitors who’ve sprung ahead thanks in part to the work that sites like FemFlood have done back in the day. The new squirting sites stand on the shoulders of giants. FemFlood is one of those giants, but they’ve gone geriatric. They no longer stand a chance in this market.

Women Used to Be Coy

The content is kind of awkward, and this works as a virtue. The girls in these videos feel amateurish, like it’s their first time on camera or some shit. I’m sure this isn’t the case, but they’re definitely a lot shier than the average pornstar nowadays. They sit on couches or lie back on beds in bedrooms and living rooms decked out in early 2000s décor, complete with unnecessary numbers of curtains and carpets, but at least their pussies are shaven. The early 2000s were a strange time.

So, you’ve got a lot of girls here, perched up against a surface, playing with their clits using high powered vibrators and hoping that the flood comes sooner rather than later. These girls are all adept at squirting, but they’re kind of pushing themselves to provide whatever squirt they can get. This shit’s a far cry from modern squirting videos in which girls explode like geysers. I think that modern squirters have gone far beyond the standard squirt and they’re basically just pissing at this point. It makes for hot porn. I don’t know how much you’d enjoy this kind of shit in person, but on camera it makes for damn good smut.

The Girls are …Fine, I Guess

That’s where FemFlood stands in terms of the actual fetish. You get a few streaks of girl cum and in-between you’re just watching a babe touch herself or use a vibrator. It’s good smut, but good is far beyond what we’re used to these days. The babes don’t do much to make this content more appealing than average either. They’re hot, sure, but they’re below a certain threshold of hotness that you’re used to. These girls are early 2000s hot, which is code for average nowadays. Go on OnlyFans, pick out a girl at random and I bet you she’ll be hotter than every single bitch on FemFlood.

Most of the girls are blondes, because blond hair was all the rage back in the day. Blondes used to have more fun, or so we thought. They were a porn symbol. I am seeing some perfect titties on here, but for the most part the bodies are baseline. There are no fat bellies, thankfully, but beyond that these girls are damn forgettable. Even the girls that get name dropped because they were famous back then don’t really leave a lasting impression. This might have been your dad’s favorite porn, but I doubt it’s going to be yours.

An Expensive Indulgence

Ultimately, it’s your decision whether FemFlood is worth subscribing to, but I think that they’re terribly overpriced for what they offer. They’re dead ass charging $20 a month for a regular subscription. This is too much. Flat out, I’m just calling it like it is. No retro porn is worth $20, especially when you’re getting a narrow selection like this. This isn’t a network of retro porn, it’s one squirting site, from decades ago. It’s not worth it, ok?

If you want you can also pay for three months, in advance, for $55. Both of these subscriptions are recurring, hence the mild discount. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a $5 discount on a $20 subscription at three months. The whole goddamn offer is offensive, end to end. The entire thing smells like wasted money. Then again, if your money is burning a hole in your pocket and you’re obsessed with ancient squirting porn, you might enjoy this smut. As a professional porn reviewer, I have to give this place 2 half-chubs out of 5.

P.S. FemFlood also has a VOD option if you’d like to overpay for a single video instead of getting a subscription. You can even pay them by snail mail, as if we didn’t have enough evidence of this site being ancient. Look on the bright side. You might find a squirting video of your mom on FemFlood. Good luck and fap well.