I’m always on the lookout for some fresh source of porn depravity, as regular readers will know, and thus far, the internet has failed to disappoint on that front. It doesn’t matter how many porn sites I review; there always seems to be more out there, which is good news for me and good news for you, my equally lecherous friend.
Up on the block today is HQPorner, and in particular, its “drunk” porn section. We’ve all been there in the past, absolutely shitfaced and unable to blow our load or maybe even go full mast (I don’t have this problem, obviously).
It goes without saying drunk sex is fucking fun! Who doesn’t love some otherwise sexually repressed bitch get possessed by the spirit of Jim Beam and uses your dick to take all of her soaking-wet rage out on? The problem with drunk sex is that it’s so damn hard to remember.
But wait a minute – what if we could watch other people have drunk sex? Therein, friends and neighbors, lies in the genius of drunk porn.
HQPorner: A Brief Overview
The ‘HQ’ in ‘HQPorner’ stands exactly what you might expect it to stand for. No, not “heinous queef” – where do you sick fucks come up with this stuff? No, the other thing you might expect it to stand for: high quality.
The burning question is: do they live up to their lofty name and deliver only high-quality videos? Read on to find out.
Design of HQPorner
HQPorner certainly looks different for a porn tube site; I’ll tell ya that much. Most porn sites go the YouTube-style route of thumbnails, categories and options across the top. HQPorner sort of does this, but their design is pretty unique.
I’d say it looks like Tumblr or some shit, but you know I stay away from that new-age bullshit, so I couldn’t say for sure. I can say that it’s pretty minimalist with a pretty light color scheme. I guess it’s good for not getting caught jerking off by your wife or boss or whatever, because at a distance there’s no way you’d make it as porn.
One thing I’ll say about it is that it’s very clean and easily navigated. There’s no clutter or bullshit in the way, and one nice thing is that when you’re browsing, there are no ads at all. Zero. Once you click through to a video, it’s a different story (sidebar ads, ads on pause, ads before you play the video), but while you’re browsing, you won’t see a single ad.
There are some basic categories displayed on the left. You can see the most viewed videos on the site, check out their hi-def porn (4k, 60 FPS, 1080p) or see a random video. You can also view their selection of Brazzers content (who I guess they have a deal with).
The search function isn’t exactly space age, but it does what it needs to do. As you’re typing, it will throw up suggested answers (handy if you blank on what you wanna jerk off to), and there’s a bunch of tags under each video that helps you find other videos like the one you just watched.
The video preview on HQPorner is, like the site itself, a little different. There’s no video preview when you hover. Instead, you can scroll through a bunch of stills. I guess it still gives you an idea of the content, but I’ll still take an animated preview over some stills.
The Content of HQPorner: Enough Drunk Porn To Get You Hammered?
HQPorner only has about 48,000 videos, but the good news is that a lot of their stuff is high quality. I’m not just talking about the quality of the porn, either – some huge studios like Brazzers and Reality Kings have content up on here, so you can be assured of some excellent snatch-stretching action.
One small thing that holds back the content on HQPorner is that the best-quality videos are locked out if you’re running ad-block software.
I get it – ads are the grease that lubes the wheels of porn commerce – but it’s still a pretty annoying drawback to have to deal with. I have my ad block on for a reason.
When it comes to the vids of drunk people fucking, HQPorner doesn’t do too badly for a website that’s dedicated to HD porn. There are about 120 vids devoted to the ignoble art of drunk-fucking, and the selection isn’t too bad.
Drunk MILFs, pissed-up lesbians, alcohol-influenced cheating sluts, drunken cosplay, vodka-fuelled orgies – if you’re into inebriated people getting fucked (and getting fucked hard), then this site definitely has some play.
There’s no amateur shit on the website, either (including in the ‘drunk’ section). Everything is high production values and hot bitches, and the fact that everything is HD is just the icing on the cake.
Another great feature of the site is that everything is free. Whether you’re watching some drunk horny MILF slobber all over her stepson’s cock or a bunch of slutty Polish chicks play the pork harmonica, you’re not shelling out a dime for the privilege. It’s hard to argue with this amount of quality free content.
Desktop/Mobile Experience
The site is quick and clean on desktop. As I mentioned earlier, the design is sorta weird and looks like some white chick’s blog, and there’s a lot of empty white space that just strikes me as a bit odd. It’s not a dealbreaker, and, if anything, it’s better than just having a bunch of ads flashing up and fucking with your wank instead.
Videos load in nice and fast, but there are sometimes issues with scrubbing, where it takes a minute for the video to catch up. This results in the awkward experience of a lilting erection and an impatient wait while you listen to what’s going on without getting to see it.
You all know there’s one golden rule regarding porn: Don’t Fuck With The Wank. HQPorner comes perilously close to doing this, and they need to fix whatever causes this scrubbing issue.
Mobile does the job, and the minimalist design is really nice on your phone (with a black color scheme rather than the pink/white one of the desktop version). They have taken the opportunity to throw a couple more ads in there though, which makes it a little more unsightly when you’ve clicked through to a video. But there are no ads when scrolling, which is great news for those of us who hate accidentally catching those fuckers when browsing smut.
What I Like About The Site
There’s much to like about HQPorner.com (and its drunk porn section). The ad-free scrolling and minimalist interface are pretty refreshing and make browsing a hassle-free experience. The selection of HD scenes (and quite a few 4K and 60FPS scenes, too) is nice to see, too.
The site ain’t exactly reinventing the world, but this is porn, guys. It doesn’t have to do my laundry or suck my dick or anything (although the day they invent that kind of site is the day I stop bothering to leave the house ever again). It just needs to give me porn, and give me porn in a good resolution and a timely manner. You can’t really fault HQPorner’s ability to do that.
I haven’t mentioned this yet either, but all of the vids are full-length scenes. There are no bullshit 30-second or five-minute teasers here where you don’t get to see the good stuff. The scenes are all, at minimum, 20 minutes, and some are as long as an hour.
All in all, HQPorner delivers a pretty fantastic experience for a free site.
What I Don’t Like About The Site
The scrubbing issue is a real problem and is definitely something that they need to fix. It may not be a spinning circle of doom, but in some ways, it’s worse as you can hear what you’re missing out on. There’s nothing worse than scrubbing through a vid to find a hot bit, running into technical issues, and having your hard-on die in your hand like a wilting flower or a drunk bitch passing out just as she was about to give you the blowjob of the century. It’s the sort of shit that’ll make you give up on a site and default back to PornHub, so it’s a big problem that needs to be fixed basically.
Suggestions That I Have For The Site
This is gonna be a short but instructive section of the article: fix your fucking videos! If there’s one thing that’ll kill a porn site, it’s messing with the wank, so I cannot overstate this enough: make sure users can scrub through videos quickly. Anything less is simply unacceptable.
Conclusion
HQPorner’s drunk porn is pretty good, considering it doesn’t have all that many videos. 180 or so videos are still pretty good, though, when you consider that they’re all a decent length (at least 20 mins) and mostly in HD. If it wasn’t for the scrubbing issue, I’d recommend it unreservedly – as it is, it’s still a pretty good deal and, hey, what the fuck do you want for free?
