SpankBang Midget

Okay, so you’re unfuckable. There are worse things to be. You could be dead or dying. Your penis could be fetid and rotten. Your eyes could shrivel up and fall out of your head. You could be attacked by a swarm of killer bees wielding M60 machine guns. Life can strike harder than making you unfuckable.

That’s not to say that being unfuckable isn’t miserable. It fucking sucks. Who wants to be a member of the untouchable class? One thing about misery is that it loves company, and you have plenty of company on the sexless boat. You are joined by countless other men and women for whom sex is but a dream. Wait a minute. Are women on this boat also?

The HMS Unfuckable

You’ve been spending so much time feeling down on yourself that you totally missed this boat full of pussy you could be crushing. It’s easy to miss obvious shit when you’re busy looking in the mirror.

There are tons of bitches on this boat, but remember, it's a boat full of unfuckable people. You're going to have to make a sacrifice to put your penis in these bitches, and that sacrifice is of your pride. Don't worry. The chick is going to be feeling the same. It's likely to be an experience she regrets for the rest of her life also.

As you wander about the different decks of this cruise ship, you'll find many variants of untouchables. Some are entirely off-limits, such as cunts in comas or bitches so retarded they don't know what sex is, let alone how to do it. 

I'm not one hundred percent about this, but I imagine there are even bitches with no pussies at all. They are built like a barbie dolls or some shit. Now that I think of it, vaginaless cunts might be the most fuckable of all the unfuckables. What a cruel twist of fate. I'm sure that mouth still works. A bitch can't live without a mouth.

There are bitches with bizarre terminal diseases also. They are so desperate to get one last dick inside of them that they will fuck anybody in the room. You'll just have to avoid any open wounds, lanced boils, or sloughing skin.

However, I would urge you to visit one floor in particular where I think my readers would be very popular. It's known as the midget floor.

Midgets don't get a lot of dick, and what dick they do get is tiny little midget dick. Even inside of a tiny little midget pussy, it can't be doing much. I'm sure they crave the feeling of an adult-sized man's member.

I'm not saying that you guys are rocking hogs, but even your tiny dick will shadow a midget penis. Why don't you just take that compliment and go before I add a "but."

Don’t be Midget Racist

You may be thinking to yourself that you could never fuck a midget. First off, it's the 2020s, and that doesn't sound very inclusive, mister. You're about to go to naughty liberal jail.

Besides, don't judge until you try it out. In case you don't have immediate access to a midget, try one out on SpankBang. Spank Bang is a beloved porn website that hundreds of thousands of men spend time on every day. These guys deserve a top spot on your short list of superb jerk-off content.

It's a classic porn tube with a sharp design and a shit ton of content. It's a site that can suck you in for a whole year. I've definitely gone bouts where most of my jerking off happened here.

The main menu hangs out up top and contains the options Home, Search bar, Register, Log in, Sexual preference, Language preference, Switch to mobile, Videos, New, Live cams, TV, Channels, Categories, Pornstars, and Offers.

"Offers" is full of deals to pay sites in the Spank Bang porn site network. They are currently featuring Pure Taboo, which is under their Adult Time network. Everything these fuckers do is excellent, so definitely check them out. You'll undoubtedly find some midgets there.

The "channels" section is used to highlight the assorted porn studios that Spank Bang gets its content from. They have a wide and varied selection of content, so of course, there are all types of studios involved. This includes such wonderful places as Team Skeet, Her Limit, Bratty Sis, Cam Soda, Evil Angel, and Mamacitaz. 

Unlike most porn sites, Spank Bang does run its own live streaming service. It works fantastically, and the selection of performers is top-notch. On the day of writing this review, I was unable to find any midgets, unfortunately. However, that doesn't mean they don't exist, so keep your eye out for one because you never know what you may find on Spank Bang Live.

Spank Bang features a compact but efficient content filter that makes finding porn a breeze. It's split into three sections. Your options on the first filter are Most relevant, Trending now, Recently Added, and Most popular. When hunting down midgets, I suggest using the "most relevant" option here.

The second filter offers you the options Picture quality, Length of video, and Release date. It doesn't matter if you use this filter, although I'm an HD man whenever possible. I love to see every detail of a bitches body. It becomes particularly important when a bitches body is so tiny. I don't want her showing up as one fuzzy pixel.

The last option is a list of tags that can be added to the search midgets. This includes fun shit like Big black cock, Big ass, Big tits, Amateur, Babe, Fetish, Blowjob, Big dick, Ebony, Anal, and Hardcore. 

On that note, one nice thing about midgets is that they always have dump truck asses. It looks like every midget was designed and crafted by the artists at Pixar studios. Spanking a midget feels like spanking the perfect cloud. I highly recommend you try it out sometime.

What? You didn't think I've fucked a midget before? When you have been to the orgies I have, midgets don't seem strange anymore. When you pack a few hundred people into a mansion for a fuck fest, there are bound to be a couple of midgets. It's all about mathematical probability.

Day See Me Rollin’ Day Hatin’

With all of that said, it's content time. I'll start things off by diving into a video aptly titled "Midget." The reason I went with this one is because the thumbnail features a spread eagle midget getting her pussy pounded while she wears roller blades.

Isn't fucking this bitch already fun enough? Adding the roller blades makes it comical. We are never told why she has the skates on either. The video starts with her in a white dress, already involved in sucking some dude's dick.

To make things weirder, they are fucking on a beach-themed set. I'm not sure if you have ever tried to roller blade through sand, but it doesn't work. 

Plus, those blades add three or four inches to this bitches height. Doesn't that ruin the whole point of this video? I do appreciate that they stay on the whole time. This bitch is dedicated to those blades.

I'm just now noticing that almost all of these videos are titled "Midget," including this next one. To be fair, though, it's technically titled "MIDGET" this time.

What I like about this video is that it features the type of midget you should be trying to fuck. Her face isn't terrible, but whatever midgetdom she suffers from makes movement difficult. Her neck and back are stiff, and she is forced to waddle about. I would describe her body as a thumb with tits.

She looks very excited to fuck this black dude. He isn't Denzel, but I'm absolutely sure that it's the most attractive and well-hung man she has ever fucked. I bet she filmed this shit for free. They gave her wage to the dude to convince him to do it. I bet homie blew a couple of lines of viagra before he arrived on set. It's going to take every ounce of his professionalism to get the job done today.

Spank Bang is what many other porn sites wish they could be. It's the consummate porn tube site. Any webmaster would be lucky to be compared to them.

My only complaint is about the live streaming service. Where are all the midgets?? They have enough models that there should be a couple floating around at all times. Come on, Spank Bang. Don't leave us hanging like that.

Midgets represent a chance for you to get some pussy on your dick, so don't overlook them. (Pun intended)