xHamster Amputee

I'm a glass-half-full kind of guy. Of course, it's really easy for me to say that, considering my glass is filled to the top. It's brimming over with expensive champagnes and flavored lubes. I don't have much to complain about at all.

#Blessed

When I want pussy, I get it. I spend all day watching porn and whacking my ample bundle of man meat. I live in a lovely house and eat steaks. I drive a dope car. Everything is going my way, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

For you guys, on the otherhand, shit is looking pretty grim. Pussy is a four-letter word. Your house could be better described as your parent's basement, you don't have the requisite privacy to spend all day masturbating, and you live off of microwavable pizza. And not even a name brand like Digorno or Red Baron. You're eating some Costco pizza made of cardboard and styrofoam sprinkles.

However, you can still find reasons to be grateful. At least you have your parent's house to fall back on as opposed to a refrigerator box, and you can always masturbate once they go to bed for the evening.

Here's the thing. I don't see things getting better for you in the near future. In fact, I see them getting much worse. If you can't find a reason to be thankful now, you're going to be fucked in the coming years. You have to turn that frown upside down today.

When I'm feeling down on myself, I like to watch videos of people less fortunate or more stupid than I am. I'm talking about parkour artists falling off buildings and pedestrians being crushed by fully loaded eighteen-wheelers. Things could always be worse.

That urge follows me into my porn watching. If I can work both cumming and feeling better about myself into one video, why wouldn't I? Fortunately, the porn world has many opportunities to do so.

One of those opportunities is with watching amputee porn. A lot of people don't know about amputee porn. It's not something folks often think of, but once amputee porn crosses your mind, you already know it's real. That's the type of shit that inspired rule thirty-four.

You don't get much more glass-half-full than amputee porn performers. They are taking their disability and turning it into a money maker. Where others may give up on life and spend the rest of it feeling bad about themselves, these bitches turn it into a positive.

At first, fucking an amputee might sound kind of freaky, but the more you think about it, the more fuckable limbless bitches become.

Broken Escalators Become Stairs. Chopped Off Arms Become Dildos

For example, if you love getting your asshole played with, then you should be all over amputees. Think about it, you dumbass. The more limbs she is missing, the more built-in dildos she has. Have you ever been anally penetrated by a forearm? If not, you're missing out. 

I know that you may need to warm up to the idea before you let an ex-logger jab a gratuitous chain saw injury into your open rectal cavity. For that purpose, I highly recommend Xhamster.

If you call yourself a masturbator or porn fanatic but don't know about Xhamster, kill yourself. Xhamster is one of the most highly respected and appreciated porn sites the world has ever seen. They are to porn what Bob Ross is to painting, minus the morality. 

Xhamster has been around for a couple of decades, so they've had plenty of time to design a well-organized website. The main menu hangs out up top and includes the options Home, Sexual preference, Search bar with filters for videos, photos, and users, Language selector, Log in, Sign up for free, ???, Live sex, Pornstars, Creators, Channels, Photos, Faphouse, Dating, Subscriptions, Upload, and a day and night mode toggle.

The question marks represent a menu option that has been partially obscured and is no longer selectable. The same fate has been suffered by the "live Sex" category. I assume these areas are under repair, or they would have deleted them as opposed to covering them up.

Xhamster actually hosts its own dating service right on site. Unfortunately, for the life of me, I could not find any Amputees. However, there are some sites where you can hunt down an amputee date after you've masturbated to a few on Xhamster. We have to get you on the level first.

The list of creators on Xhamster is nearly as long as the list of visitors. That's because anyone can submit a video to be added to the site. That means Xhamster is being updated constantly. No matter how hard you try, you'll never run out of amputees to stroke your rod to.

There are a shit ton of porn stars on Xhamster, but none are "pornstars." The world is still waiting for its first true amputee pornstar. I'm sure that the day will come, but until then, you'll have to fuck around with amateurs. That's alright, though. It will make your training more realistic.

Down the left side is a content filter ready to carry you anywhere you need to go. First, choose what you would like to sort by. Your options are Relevance, Release date, Number of views, Rating, and content length. 

Next, select what sexual preference you want your content in. The options are straight, gay, or trans. The last and my favorite layer of the filter is the exclusions. Type in any tags you would like excluded from the search. For example, you could type in limbs.

Bob on my Nub Like Corn on the Cob

Let's take a dive into some of the amputee content on Xhampster, starting with the accurately titled "Amputee." I want to start here to show you guys the passion you could have for an amputee. 

The bitch in this movie is alright looking. I'll give her six. She is treading the line of being a MILF and could go either way. Her best trait by far is her fat titties.

This cunt is only missing her right leg, so she is still pretty mobile. What struck me about this video is the passion with which this dude is sucking on her nub. He gets deep into the nub like Andy Dick, Sucking the cock of a stranger on the street. 

Sure, I'll fuck an amputee all day. I'm here on this Earth to do the Lord's work. However, I'm not putting any nubs in my mouth. In fact, I'm entirely ignoring the nubs. If she needs any nub stimulation, she'll have to do it herself.

Next up, we have "Quadruple Amputee Girl Masturbation." This bitch proves the old adage, "where there is a will, there is a way." This bitch has two under knew amputations and two hand amputations. I'm not sure what happened to this cunt, but my best guess is a terrible accident while climbing Everest that led to a severe case of frostbite. 

When the video starts, she already has a vibrating dildo stuck deep in her pussy. Fortunately, her arms are still long enough to reach down there, so she uses a nub to move it around. 

At one point, she adjusts herself closer to her computer so she can type. I'm not sure what kind of keyboard she is using, but the shit must look like a twister board fucked a typewriter.

When she gets both nubs down there, she can pull the dildo out, and she does that for us a couple of times. What's curious is the fact a cum like substance falls out of her pussy every time she unclogs it. It doesn't look like pussy juice or cream whatsoever. It looks like straight-up cum.

There are also some films that feature a gentleman amputee fucking the shit out of some normal bitches. The guy in "Amputee Stud Fucking a Brunette" has no legs, but he still manages to have a stiff dick.

Honestly, what I find more distracting than his lack of legs is the giant chef-like hat he is wearing. It must be three feet tall, and it looks absolutely ridiculous. I don't care if it's some cultural bullshit. You have to get a new culture then. Preferably one that allows you to put on a baseball cap, for fucks sake.

If you guys want to get laid, you'll have to stop flirting with ordinary ladies and start finding cunts with their arms chopped off. When you have no arms, you run out of room to complain about a guy living with his parents.

One change I would like to see Xhamster make is expanding its content filter. It would be one of the best filters around, with a few additions to add detail.

Who needs arms and legs as long as a bitch still has her mouth and pussy? Certainly not me.