Squirting Virgin

Welcome to SquirtingVirgin, you squirting virgins, you! We have gathered here today on this momentous occasion to show our appreciation for an ancient website that holds a decent amount of B-tier porn videos that were very clearly recorded on a potato. No, the whole review is not going to be like this. I like to lead with my first impressions. I gave SquirtingVirgin are good combing through and I am lukewarm about what I found. At first glance, this place offers a bunch of videos that are held behind a paywall. They all feature squirting virgins, or so you’re told. You can’t preview any of the action in motion. You’ll have to make do with exactly 26 preview thumbnails. No more, no less. This is all you get before you’re asked to reach for your digital coin purse.

When they say squirting virgins, do they mean virgins who squirt or whores who just haven’t squirted yet, making them virgins of squirting specifically? I have no idea. I don’t care. These are young bitches who squirt. That’s all that matters, right? This content is very clearly East European and it’s also clearly on the older side of things. The aforementioned potato camera is a huge indication of this. The quality is… below the charts, if that’s even a thing. I’m not saying the whole site is a wash. Obviously, you can fap to this smut just fine. But this is a premium site. There’s the question of whether you should consider paying for this smut. That’s what we’re wondering about with SquirtingVirgin.

Gorgeous, Yet Generic Babes

If I had to pick one kind of female body archetype for all my porn it would be the western classic – short, thin, large breasted with a perfect ass and pink nipples. Unfortunately, not all women are built the same. There’s variance. Women come in all shapes and sizes. And while fat women are very much off the table, most other chick types can get this dick. I’m an equal opportunity pussy fucker, as I often enjoy saying. The squirting babes on SquirtingVirgin fall under a very specific category of realistic. On the one hand, they’re not perfect models. You can tell they’ve never returned a lunch to sender and they’re not afraid of high protein diets. Some of them even have protruding bellies. Insane!

That being said, they’re still below the fat line and they’ve got natural titties and round plump asses that definitely look breedable. These are the kinds of babes that tend to get knocked up out in the wild. In a way it’s good that they found porn, because that kind of career usually encourages babes to get on birth control. It’s good for them to try and preserve these shapes as much as possible, because once they start going bad, there’s no going back. I think that these babes are a perfect fit for this kind of smut because of the inherent nature of squirting. It’s supposed to signify the most powerful type of female orgasm. Seeing realistic babes pull it off just makes you wonder whether you might get an amateur babe to do the same, given enough stimulation. Sometimes it’s nice to break up the monotony of generic western porn with some realistic Eastern European babes.

The Content Is Actually Hot

The smut on this site falls somewhere between amateur porn and B-tier fetishism. The girls are clearly talented at getting fucked and at squirting. They really give it their all. Some of the scenes have them bent over and really squeezed for all they’re worth. They get pushed to their limits and they brave through it with extreme erotic passion. These are the kinds of girls you want to see in your porn. The action stands the test of time. This smut is going to be hot 100 years from now, at least, as far as the actual action is concerned. The video quality makes sure to shit on all of that, though, don’t you worry.

I got this Ukrainian bitch I’ve been hanging with lately and I asked her to help me pin the language down in these videos. It sounded Slavic. She confirmed it was indeed Russian. So, we’re looking at Russian babes, but not the kinds you see in movies. These are the kinds of girls who couldn’t hack it as models, so they do porn instead. B-tier Russian babes are as good as A-tier westerners. There I said it.

Disappointing Video Quality

SquirtingVirgin’s videos all take place in roughly the same studio. I can tell by the furniture. The style is, as you might have guessed already, retro Slavic. Hardwood floors, wooden furniture and a warm 90s aesthetic. On the one hand, I find it cozy as fuck, on the other, it gives off B-tier porn vibes. The furniture I can get past, though. What I can’t get over is the camera quality. These videos are clearly available in a high enough resolution to feel crisp, and yet they feel like soggy bread. They’re just blurry. There’s no two ways about it. This is disappointing porn at its finest. You’ve got some hot action on screen, but there’s a layer of Vaseline between you and it. Painful stuff.

The videos also seem to be unnecessarily compressed somehow. I’m kind of getting the vibe that they were made using old-school digital camcorders. On the one hand, this provides a proper HD experience, on the other, it makes for a permanently compressed video that cannot be improved upon in the future. What you see is what you get and you don’t really see much. Ironically, the bigger your monitor the worse your experience. This whole site is painfully underwhelming.

Preview The Smut Elsewhere

Here comes the part where I screech like a harpy in heat. You can’t preview SquirtingVirgin’s videos on SquirtingVirgin. But you can watch long-ass previews of every single one of their videos on free porn tubes. How is this possible? How is this legal? Who thought this was a good idea? And who framed Roger Rabbit? The questions are endless and an investigation is due. In the meantime, I’m just going to take a wild stab at this and assume that some random marketing guy out there is feeling damn good about himself. Imagine taking prospective subscribers away from your own site and marching them off in droves towards external websites that you are not affiliated with. This boggles the mind. You come to SquirtingVirgin, you want to see their videos, you can’t, so they kindly encourage you to go elsewhere and watch them for free.

I understand the concept of marketing yourself on another porn site with snippets of your content. Everyone does it. But for God’s sake, can’t these people add short previews of their smut on their own website so you know what you’re paying for? The thumbnails are so ridiculously tiny that you don’t even get a general idea of what’s contained within the videos. The whole damn site is just one big disappointing marketing experiment. If I haven’t said it enough already, these guys expect you to fork over the big bucks in order to watch this content. What gall!

Not Worth the Money

$30 a month to access a guaranteed 26 B-tier videos of chicks squirting. Seriously? Who the fuck do these guys think they are? Is this business model working for them? Are there really so many diehard squirting fetishists out there that this site manages to stay profitable at these ridiculous price points? They don’t even let you preview the content! Why the fuck are you giving them $30 a month!? You know what, never mind. Why the fuck do I even care? I’m only here to review the damn place. Do whatever you want. There’s a yearly plan for $120 and a 3-month tier for $60. You have to pay that in advance, obviously.

You can pay to get all of this underwhelming smut using your credit card, an EU discover card or even with cryptocurrency. They use an extensive payment gateway so there are eight different cryptocurrencies available. This is … good, I guess? But I’m still not convinced that it’s worth the money. Also, their $30 tier somehow became $36 when I tried to pay by crypto. It’s like they’re trying to piss me off at this point. Maybe the overhead is supposed to cover the crypto conversion and all, but at the fucking least they could point that out for me. This way it just feels scummy.