Stop Or I'll Squirt

What the fuck? I swear, these guys must have read my reviews. There’s no other explanation. Why else would they have put “It’s Not Piss” across their main banner? Shit’s on every single page on the site. You can’t miss it. And, as you probably already know, I like to start all of my squirting reviews by pointing out that vaginal blasts are made up entirely of piss. It’s science, people. You can’t deny it. StopOrI’llSquirt is really trying to play an angle here. The angle being that women have an implied organ that creates pussy juice, much like how dudes have prostates. Without one, there’s nowhere else the liquid could come from. Do StopOrI’llSquirt think that women straight up produce pussy juice out the vagina, right there in the moment? Maybe I’m overthinking the science here, but fuck me, I like getting technical about the female anatomy. You should see me reviewing uterus porn.

Back on track, with StopOrI’llSquirt – a squirting site that offers tons of premium videos, for a price. All of these videos feature squirting of some kind, but since squirting is sort of a once in a while type of thing, the videos also feature a ton of standard fucking action. These clips are a standard mixture of regular mainstream porn with a ton of squirting thrown in for the hell of it. It works well enough and it lets StopOrI’llSquirt market this shit as squirting porn, exclusively. If you’re a squirting fetishist or just a casual enthusiast of pussy juice, you should know how unlikely it is for you to get longer shots of actual squirting. Some mainstream studios try to do just that, but even they can’t get away with more than a few minutes of squirting and that’s only if the pornstar that’s being squeezed is naturally gifted in the art of squirting.

Western B-Tier Smut

The overall quality of these videos gave me strong Eastern European vibes. The scenes remind me of the kind of smut I’m used to seeing coming out of Czech studios. But lo and behold, these videos are actually American. I should have known. American babes have very distinct titties. I mean they’re on the damn cover of the site. You can tell that half of these bitches’ real names are Brandy, Brenda or Britney. Valley girls aplenty. The B-tier vibes are still there though and they seem to be coming from the natural B-tier quality of the actual source studio. These guys are far from triple-A mainstream.

The compliance statement on their site says that they’re registered in Arizona. I can’t know for sure whether they record their smut in Arizona, but it would explain a lot, because on the one hand, these girls are extremely American-looking, but on the other, they act like simpletons from rural areas who have very little professional porn experience – no offense intended. You just can’t compete against the kind of whacked out whores you get in spades in LA.

Whatever It Takes to Squirt

The video quality and general set design might be disappointing, but the action is damn good. I’m getting the sense that the director for these videos told both the girls and they guys to do whatever it takes to get an orgasm out of the woman. Most of these videos feature couples, a dude and a chick, working together towards a common goal. They go the extra mile to satisfy the babe. There aren’t that many scenes that have that standard female objectification where the babe only exists to get the cum out of the dude’s cock. There aren’t that many blowjobs, is what I’m trying to say. There is a lot of penetration, though. Hell, it mostly doesn’t end.

In-between the hardcore pussy pounding, you’ll also get to see these babes rub their clits, hard, in order to get to that golden point of excitement when they’re ready to blow. If you’ve ever gotten a woman to squirt before, you should know that the standard rigmarole of dick inside vagina doesn’t work nearly as well as shredding the clit like it’s the B string on a 7-string guitar and you’re trying to drop the hottest djent track the world has ever heard. Shred it until it’s pink. Then shred it some more. Shred it until she tells you to stop shredding, then consider shredding it some more – but only if she consents. Don’t be that guy.

A Bit Disappointing

I can respect what StopOrI’llSquirt are trying to do with these videos. They’re very dedicated. The chicks are very invested in the action. Hell, some of them seem to be breaking a sweat going all-out on blasting that much anticipated pussy load. More power to them. I think they’re doing a great job. And yet, these videos leave me at half-mast. I fapped to them, sure, but only once. And, I didn’t want to fap to them ever again. It’s not that this is bad pornography. It’s just sub-par. I mean look at it this way. StopOrI’llSquirt wants you to pay for a subscription, regularly, in order to watch these videos. I don’t see why you’d choose them over literally any other premium squirting site out there.

It's really hard to find some sort of silver lining in StopOrI’llSquirt that propels this site above all other competing sites. If I had to pick one thing that makes them stand out it would be their pricing, but we’ll get to that in a bit. My bottom line about the quality of these videos is that they’re just uninspired. I mean, you’ve got a bunch of hot blondes and you’ve got a cock. That’s enough to make some blonde babies, for sure, but hot porn isn’t as simple as just pointing the camera at the genitals. You gotta do something interesting or perhaps even innovative in order to get me to watch it. If I don’t see anything in the video that stands out, I’ll swap to another video. And, if I swap enough times between videos on your site, eventually I’ll just… leave.

Part of a Network

They’re called Kick Ass Pictures and they make content that doesn’t kick that much ass, honestly. Oh, they try, for sure. But, most of their sites are just as uninspired as StopOrI’llSquirt. Most of their sites are fetish themed or at least centered around a specific sexual act. You’ve got a site for pussy pumping, a site for revenge, a site for cuckolds and so on. There’s a lot of variety here, but the quality stays firmly around lukewarm at best, across all the sites.

The ones that really stand out for me are Two Black Men for Her and Five Guy Cream Pie. They’re the most original as far as I’m concerned, though the Naked Girls Smoking site deserves honorable mention. I’m not into bitches that smoke, but it’s a common fetish and Kick Ass Pictures are taking a stab at it. Good on them. I went through every single one of the sites in this network and not one of them stood out to me as something that I’d like to pay for. They have a triple penetration site, for fuck’s sakes. Even that didn’t appeal to me. These porn clips feel like what I thought sex was like when I was a kid. I.e., the logistics are there, but the people look like they’re just sort of going through the motions. It’s bland and boring.

The Pricing is Interesting

The longest tier you can get is only 3-months in advance, but it comes at a gigantic discount. Is this good? Is this bad? I have no idea. Cheap is great, but why the fuck wouldn’t you allow people to sign-up a year in advance for even cheaper? I understand nothing.

The prices are as follows:

$15 for 30 days, $25 for 60 days and $35 for 90 days. See what I mean about the 90-day tier being a huge discount? Crazy stuff. There’s also a one-time payment for 30 days, meaning it doesn’t recur, for $25. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like this before. With the same $25 you can get two months recurring or one month, one time. But, can’t you just get the two months and cancel before the next cycle? I think you can. I can’t guarantee it, but that’s how these things work, no? Important: All of these tiers give you access to the entire Kick Ass Network.

All things considered, StopOrI’llSquirt is a mediocre site that has squirting and nothing much else going for it. Check out the content yourself. There are ample image previews and no free video trailers. Talk about a good deal, huh? I’m sorry – not every site I review is going to be a killer.